So I’ve been having some second thoughts lately about some things. Justin and Tara were absolutely right. I’m trying to get out of my old life and start new habits but I’m literally smothered in the middle of it all.
I’ve been having these inner battles between two worlds. My new journey and my old world. During the day I’m pumped and excited about my new world and my journey to success then in the evenings when I’m hanging out with my friends, that seems more appealing and then I second guess this whole journey thing.
I can’t leave this college town until next semester because I can’t sell my contract in the middle of the semester. I already signed for it and I can’t afford to be paying two rents right now. So I’m jut gonna have to stick it out. It really is a hard decision and a battle that I have to choose.
I have so many great friends up here that I love and care about and the thought of leaving makes me so sad but it’s just a sacrifice that I’m going to have to make. I’m actually really terrified to move to Utah because that’s really when this growing up thing will hit me. I’ll be living with older people who are graduated and have real jobs and aren’t in collage life anymore. I won’t be coming home to a ton of people hanging out every night how I am now. That’s going to be SO hard for me because I LOVE that about collage. I love being around people and not having to plan anything because the fun is already there. I have to face reality that my new life will not always be like this. I’m going to have to make plans to hang out with people in the evenings otherwise I will be board and lonely at home which would kill me.
Me and the guy I was dating all semester recently broke up and went our separate ways. I just didn’t feel good about it for various reasons. I never felt fully at peace with myself while I was with him. We just had a lot of differences and it was best to go our separate ways. It was SO hard to focus on my journey and all of the work I was doing for Justin and Tara when all I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry all day.It still is a little hard but going to Utah for the marathon and halloween was a good recharge. It gets a little easier each day..with lots of prayers,keeping myself busy, serving people around me and reminding myself that I did the right thing.
While I was in Utah, I was SO close to signing for a place to live and then I was just going to try and sell my contract up here. I was literally going to sign, drive back to Idaho, get all of my stuff then drive right back. My thought process was (well…Justin and Tara already told me I should get the heck our of Rexberg as soon as possible because it’s really difficult to do what I’m doing in this environment and now I broke up with this guy so nothing is keeping me here anymore.) But the honest truth is..If I wasn’t heart broken, I would have been totally fine to stay here.
After talking to some close friends and family I realized that I was being very irrational and making decisions based purely off of my emotions which is never a good idea. I confided in my parents and they both agreed that I was trying to run away from my problems instead of push through them. I was trying to flight instead of fight. My mom made a great point by saying that something like this will probably happen again in Utah or elsewhere and I can’t just run away every time. It’s just that the situation is so close to home. Rexburg is a very small town and the guy I was dating lives right across the street from me and my best friend still hangs out with his apartment all the time. We were all super close and now I hardly ever see them. The thing is..I love Rexburg and I don’t want to leave here on a bad note and have bad memories of it and I don’t want my decisions to be controlled by my emotions over a guy. So I’v decided to lift my head up, be strong and stick the rest of the semester out by making it the best experience I can. So that has been my goal this week!
I was debating on putting this video on here because it’s really personal and embarrassing but I’m trying to be as real and raw as I can be. This is taking me a lot of courage and humility to post this. I know you all go through moments like this as well but you never record yourself because that would just be weird.. unless you were asked to do it by your mentor so that people can relate to you.lol So…if it makes you uncomfortable to watch people cry then don’t watch this video but if you can handle it then watch away… FYI these videos are about a month apart.